Statistically Speaking

The following are some quotes (and perhaps misquotes) on the subject of statistics.  If you have a favorite quote you would like included here, please send it to webmaster@statease.com.

"It is the mark of a truly intelligent person to be moved by statistics."
—George Bernard Shaw

"Ninety percent of the game is half mental."
—Yogi Berra

"Predicting is difficult, especially when it involves the future."
—DNRC "Induhvidual"

"All models are wrong, but some are useful."
—George Box

"USA Today has come out with a new survey—apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population."
—David Letterman

"There are lies, damn lies, and statistics."
—Mark Twain

"Statistics don't lie, but statisticians do."

"The most important statistic for car manufacturers is autocorrelation."

"Forty-two percent of all statistics are made up on the spot."

"Figures don't lie, but liars will figure."
—Charles H. Grosvenor (referring to election polls in early 1900's)

Former Minnesota governor, Jesse Ventura, once complained that statisticians using sampling techniques had "skewered the polls," but he's not the first politician to get down on data jockeys. Robert Moses once said about governor and presidential candidate, Al Smith, "He could make statistics sit up, beg, roll over and bark."

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
—Aaron Levenstein

The Nature of a Statistician

Definition of a statistician: A mathematician broken down by age and sex.

Q: Why do people decide to become statisticians?
A: They find accounting too exciting.

Being a statistician means never having to say you're certain.

A Statistician is someone who can draw a mathematically exact line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.

A statistician is a person whose lifetime ambition is to be wrong 5% of the time.

Statistician—someone who insists on being certain about uncertainty.

Q: Did you hear about the statistician who took the Dale Carnegie course?
A: He improved his confidence from .95 to .99.

Q: Why don't statisticians like to model new clothes?
A: Lack of fit.

Old statisticians never die, they just undergo a transformation.

Statisticians must stay away from children's toys because they regress so easily.

Statisticians at Leisure

Two unbiased estimators are sitting in a bar, having a few beers. The first one says, "How do you like being married?" The second one says, "It's okay, but you lose a degree of freedom!"

"Three statisticians go deer hunting with bows and arrows. They spot a big buck and take aim. One shoots and his arrow flies off three meters to the right. The second shoots and his arrow flies off three meters to the left. The third statistician jumps up and down yelling; We got him! We got him!"

Following a flaming snowmobile crash, one statistician asked the other if he was OK. The second said "well, my hair's on fire and my toes are frostbitten, but overall I feel pretty good."

Heard on an Answering Machine

"Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I'm still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and I'll probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day."

Sign at a Historic Inn

"Heisenberg slept here! (Or somewhere near here.)"

Ode to DOE

Three components in a system:
What will happen when I mix 'em?

I wish I might, I wish I may
Have the answer yesterday.

Outputs changing, lots of action.
Could there be an interaction?

I did my best to weigh it right,
But still an error came to light.

There are those times—I really hate 'em,
When there's a problem with a datum.

Some responses I've observed,
Were modeled best by lines that curved.

Everything's about to size.
Now's the time to optimize.

The next assignment that you start,
Work half as long, but twice as smart.
- R. C. Neuman

Have you heard the one about...

A statistician that was caught smuggling a bomb into an aircraft denied being a terrorist. Taking a bomb into the aircraft was a precautionary measure he explained, because:

The chance that there is one bomb aboard an aircraft is 1 in 4.958.256; the chance that there are two bombs aboard is 1 in 7.458.456.258.426.